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boredness

11.02.04 (4:33 am) [edit]

wow i haven't been here in a loooooong time. mainly cuz they wouldnt lt me post so i just got another journal but i wanted to see how this one was doin.

why me?

03.09.04 (10:43 am) [edit]

1:26 pm
why me? why the hell me? why do i have to have a fucking anxeity disorder. yea i take mead for it but that doesnt mean i dont get depressed. i was suicidal earlier but i dont want to kill myself and i wont. it just feels so horrible to have no one.
I had an orthodontist appointment at 11 today. i was supposed to go to school in the morning but i had a "breakdown" and started crying and feeling really depressed. the worst part is i dont know why. well mum let me sleep after i got over the worst of the tears. but she was pissed. my Pappie came at 11 to take me to the orthodudes(b's word). the appointment took an hour. and my mouth hurts like hell. i wanted to go back to school cuz i have chorus and we have a concert on thursday but dad said absolutly no cuz i didnt go this morning. well this morning i wanted to die. and that set me off into a fit of tears that lasted about an hour. my eyes are red and swollen. they hurt. what kind of parent says you cant go to school?! an ass thats who! i called my mom but she wasnt in and my dad hung up on me. he hung up on his serverly depressed daughter. and all my friends are at school so i have no one to talk to. thats the worst feeling ever. the feeling of being totally alone. i just sat by the phone in my parents room swaying/rocking on the floor crying for 30 minutes. i really need to talk to bianca or caroline or rachel or somebody. i've lost my appitite completely. the last thing i ate was a slim fast bar at 10 am. i feel like if i eat anything i'll barf it up. and im not even sick. i feel guilty about not going to school this morning but i felt so depressed almost suicidal. i need somebody to talk to. i need a hug. i HATE my depression. im on Zoloft and it works really well but sometimes i break down. and i havent broken down in a long time too. i dont like myself very much right now. i wish i were more outgoing and confident. i wish i were happier. we had SOL practice today. i can make that up sometime this week. im just sitting in the computer chair holding mr.squishy(my pillow) and crying. i hate this. things do get better. things always get better. i want ben and jerry's. but if i have any i will feel guilty and want to throw it up(i've never done it but come close) and come close but not. i want to see my shrink. i probably wont be writing in here for a while cuz i'll be punished. so later guys.
-em

ho hum

03.07.04 (10:03 am) [edit]

1:00
ho hum diddly dum. i have a workout schedule now! whoo-hoo! it helps me lose my tummy and keep me on a schedule. lol so monday through friday i have a routene(yea i cant spell that word) and sturday i go to kickboxing and sunday i swim! so there ya go. i'm going swimming later today.
I had an all day rehearsal yesterday. we got through the show once. and much to my surprise my ex andy who MOVED showed up! that was awkward times 10000000! I go out to say my line and there he is. i almost forgot my lines. that was a fun day.
Rachel spent the night yesterday. we watched Pieces of April and our broadway desserts tape. im so bored. i cant wait till i get to swimmy. i love the pool. in the summer cuz hot guys walk around shirtless and any other time cuz it reminds me of summer. i love the smell of chlorine cuz...it reminds me of summer. i'm a summer person if you havent guessed.
-em

new developments

03.03.04 (12:35 pm) [edit]

3:30 pm
rachel and i have smoothed things over. we arent quite friends but we arent at each others throats. i really hate fighting. its no fun. stevey is having conflicts with his gf. i really hope it all works out for him. i laugh loud apperently. but its not annoying.
-em

coflict pt. 2

03.02.04 (3:04 pm) [edit]

i was thinking. not everyone can be totally perfect. no matter how hard they try. sometimes you have to have a conflict in your life to strengthen a friendship or in my case destroy one. rachel has been getting on my nerves because she excudes the sense of "im better than you" and other people agree with me on that. some people can look past it but not me. it brings me down. i feel bad enough about my little bit of pudge on my tummy and my other imperfections(some of which i like and some i hate) i dont need her floating around like she is superior to all. she's no aphrodite after all. she is totally oblivious to all of this as well. she wrote me a note today saying" if you ditch me next year then you'll be the one losing a friend not me" now that says 1. she is cocky/full of herself 2. she doesnt care if she loses my friendship. she also dumped this 1 guy and thought i was giving her crap about it. she said "you dumped someone because you lost the spark too!" that is not why i dumped him. it was really hard for me to dump randy/andy. i dumped him because i heard he was cheating on me and he was moving and we couldnt make it work. i would have stayed with him otherwise. if it werent for those things. and i havent told anyone that stuff. she didnt even care to ask why we broke up. she'll assumes things that arent true. rachel needs to ask. shes one of my roomates for VA beach choral trip. i want to ask the teacher to switch her room but it might be too late. i'll ask mum to email her. i really dont want to be around her. i feel depressed enough as it is. i dont need her acting all highh and mighty.
contact me by:
commenting
email- BroadwayBabe378@netscape.net
IM- BroadwayBabe378

if you have any advice on being depressed or the rachel thing or anything in the blog. i'd like to hear your views on the situation too.
-em

conflicts

02.29.04 (1:21 pm) [edit]

4:00 pm
everyone seems to be having a conflict with one "friend" or another. caroline,lauren ect. are pissed at bianca because she "insults people". thats true she can throw out insults pretty well sometimes but shes usually joking. i agree that she shouldnt insults people but i guess she cant help it? caroline says that her and some orther people have agreed that im starting to turn into bianca. she said i dont insult people though. and i dont. i hate conflict. and people used to insult me a lot and i remember how it feels and dont want to bring that upon anyone. i do pick up some mannerisms from bianca but i pick up mannerisms from rachel and caroline too. i should just focus on me. they shouldnt be talking about me behind my back anyway. i've heard them talk about people behind their backs and it pretty brutal. when im around bianca i laugh alot. im not a follower. im a leader. i shouldnt follow anyone anywhere. i should pave my own path. and thats what im going to do from now on.
i handle conflicys very badly. everyone knows. im the one who sits in the corner with the peace sign up saying cant we all get along. but everyone cant always get along because people have problems with each other. my only wish is that they can at least try to work them out.
my goals are to become my own person and be kind to everyone. im already like that when i do something i love. for example acting. when im at rehearsals i compliment everyone and try to help anyway i can. when im on stage i feel like no one can bring me down. or swimming. when im at meets i cheer for everyone and do my own thing. i guess what im trying to say is i want to be me without any outside influences. but maybe some outer influences are good. like directors giving you advice so you can make your charaxter better. or coaches teaching you better ways to kick during butterfly. my final point is be yourself but listen to what others have to say without mimicking their bahavior. if you see someone doing something like swim butterfly really good you can copy their stroke to help better yours. so my final final point is try to make yourself a better person without abandoning your true self.
-em

leap year day!

02.29.04 (9:53 am) [edit]

my timezone is all screwy so i will add the time in my opening from now on. right now its 12:17 p.m. i am writing in my blogy today because its a leap year. i will have to wait 4 more years to write in my blog on February 29. So i will write in here today.
Yesterday i went to Tyson's Corner Mall place with my mum dad and brother. I had a very successful shopping trip. I got my costume for the king and I. Its a red and gold dress thingy. it cost 90 dollars :!: yikes. but i will wear it for other dessy uppy occasions. its so prettyful and makes me look thin. so im happy bout that. I went to American Eagle afterwards. i went to the wrong end of the mall at first. i have a bad sense of direction. i bought a pair of jeans that fit! its soooo hard to find jeans that fit over my hips and are the right length. these are a bit long but thats how i like um. see i have nice big hips. not big but roundish for my size. i love them. and im short(5'1") and i love being that height. im a short pear shaped person! lol very fun. i also got some capris and a white polo thingy. o and a tank top cuz bras annoy me. well the bras i have are too small so i get tanks with built in bras and wear those. i like the support and it works for me. i got some flip flops too. there black with bamboo-ish bottoms. so i can wear those with my costume. they gave me the AE CD which is supposedly all i will need this spring break! yee-hah! it was a really successful shopping trip.
today i watched Matchstick Men. i really liked it very cool movie. you should see it. the ending really surprises you. those writers are very talented. ho hum...whoa its already 12:50. lunchy time.
byes
-em

break ups, CDs, periods

02.28.04 (12:02 pm) [edit]

i have been meaning to write in here for a while but there hasnt really been anything exciting to write about. I do now though. Rachel dumped Andrew. She gave him the moving on speech. i would have said i think we should move on...in different directions. lol i am a cold hearted bitch. not really. you can ask my friends i am very lovable...maybe. well anyways they had almost been dating 2 months but never kissed(prudes). she said she kinda lost interist in him. i would too hes kinda dull. no offense to him i tend to go for rebelious complicated guys. with the exception of my last ex (andy not andrew). What was I smoking. anyways...back to
rachel and andrew. andrew was saying how sad he was about it and i completely understand but the hurt does stop and he knew it was coming. part of me is glad they broke up cuz he stuck to her like a leach. and that was really annoying and a lot of her friends(including me) didnt really wanne hang with her anymore because we couldnt talk about guys and stuff cuz HE was always there. so yea...
today i went out with my dad and brother. we went to borders and i got 2 CDs. the new Taking Back Sunday and Rooney. I'm an emo girl myself.
im having my period and terrible cramps. they hurt so baaaaaaaaaaaaaad. i ate 2 GS cookies today. I Samoa and a double dutch. mum and dad keep buying them. i tell them they go straight to the hips. but no . well 2 cookies doesnt do much anyway.
im gonne go listen to Rooney.

-em

throbbing pain

02.22.04 (11:55 am) [edit]

my entire body is like a giant ache. im so sore. i went to an all day basketball clinic yesterday and i an barely move. my back, arms/shoulders, feet. calves, thighs, stomach and butt hurt so much. my right shoulder is throbbing with pain. i dont want to mave anywhere at all. im perfectly satisfied with sitting at my comp or laying on the floor. walking...getting yp for that matter is a nescessary(yeah i cant spell so sue me) evil and should be eliminated(i can spell!). i have stupid school tomorrow. mark is an idiot why you ask. ill tell you. cuz he said yes you have school on monday. was there any doubt? its not a holiday and there is no chance of snow. why wouldnt i have school? another dumbass. he needs to burn his cardigan. its like puke yellow. i also have rehearsal until 5. so ill be asleep then. lol :wink: i like rehearsals but this isnt my favorite musical we've done. i like last years(Fiddler On The Roof) better than this years(The King And I). the plot, in my opinion, is more fun. and Fiddler had more group musical numbers. next year we might do Guys and Dolls or Annie. I hope we do Guys and Dolls . cuz i really really wanne be Adalaide. If we do Annie. i'll be ms.hannigan, but i like guys and dolls more. plus there ae more parts. the only problem is we need more guys. ah well im getting ahead of myself. im now going to hobble to the sofa.
-em

he's back

02.22.04 (11:47 am) [edit]

steve came back. it turns out he was at a hotel all night. stupid hotel clerk. they rented a room to a 15 year old! dumbass. im happy hes back safe but im mad at him too. bianca is seriously pissed. she has a right to be too. everyone was so worried about him. i never want to cause that much pain to anyone.
-em

hes gone

02.20.04 (7:04 pm) [edit]

steve ran away. hes been gone 4 hours. no news at all. im so worried. i barely knew him at all and im crying over it. he mentioned running away before but i never thought he would. to think my biggest problem was kyle not liking me and now steve is gone. i really really hope he comes back safe and soon. bianca said something that really meant something to me and expressed all i ws feeling. " I really just want time to pass so i can look back at this and remember it like an old dream that never really,truly happened." i really just want to wake up tomorrow and have him IM me and say "hewwo my dear emiwwy" like he always does and this will all seem like a bad dream. that we all seemed to have had. the last thing he said to me was "bye bye love". he was a great friend who i barely knew. i really want him to come back and apologize for running away in the first place and he will. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but he will come back. he has to come back.

new buddy icon

02.18.04 (1:55 pm) [edit]

yea this is a stupid short entry but humor me. i need a new buddy icon. if you have any cool sites or suggestions IM me on BroadwayBabe378 or leave me a comment. thanks mucho!
-em

sick presidents...lol

02.16.04 (2:51 pm) [edit]

today was President's day but i had school(stupid only 3 snow days). i didnt go though because i am sick. how fun. i woke up and was drooling on my pillow because i was breathing through my mouth because my nose was clogged! and i had a slight fever. i will be back in school tomorrow though. i have chorus and art. and i get to see my friends.
someone said something to me that made me think. they said i was the class clown. i never thought of myself that wat because the stereotype is class clowns dont make good grades. i am somewhat of a class clown. im really goofy but i make great grades. all As and one B+ thank you very much. but i like being goofy. lol its fun but i can be serious too. like when im taking a test or auditioning for something. if you dont now already acting is my life. its my dream. even my sn(BroadwayBabe378) says it. lol and im good at it. anyway i guess i am somewhat of a class clown. well me and bianca.
speaking of bianca. she went to christian boot camp this weekend. i missed her a lot. she met a guy though. all the hot guys live in MD. his name is jeremy. he is apperently hot. i need her to fix me up with someone. not right now because i like james blonde but i dun think he likes me that way so yea.
my dad is playing his old guy rock music. some of it like LZ and Bruce are cool but he blasts the stuff. its get annoying sometimes. hhhmmmm....
rachel is spending the night on Friday cuz we have a basketball clinic on saturday. it should be fun. we're gonna volunteer at my bros elem. school for their diversity night thingy. community service it all works.
caroline might not go to AHS. cuz there are a lot actively violent gangs and drugs. but if it gets better im going. well gonna go make dinner laters
-em

stuff

02.15.04 (6:38 am) [edit]

hi all. yesterday was v-day. i spent it at paul's bar mitzvah. it was pretty cool and fun. his brothers are really cute. lol but they are way older than me. hehe well i came home round 5:30 and watched the USA v-day movie marathon. all these sappy romance flicks that just reminded me i've got no one to share it with. then caroline called. we are going to be valentines. lol so were not totally alone.
on friday i went to sammy's house for a v-day mini party. anna,erica,jerry,lauren,k elly and amy were there. kelly was dancing very well and erica was all hyped on sugar and tried to mimick her. erica looked drunk. it was so funny. good times...good times. we were all laughing insanely. lol very good times. :lol: rachel bf really annoys me. aaarrrggg! he is so...annoying. sometimes i just want to strangle him. he has big ears too. and he isnt that nice to me but he makes rachel happy so i'll put up with him as much as i can. ho hum...i got my hair done on tuesday. now i have blondish/caramel chunky highlights and light feathery bangs. i looks really good. b says im a zebra. lol i love you b!
we made up code names for the guys we like. erica made up james blonde for the guy i have a crush on. its so funny. haha
my brother is being a lazy bum. he just got up and is walking around the house like a paralized snail. its quite pathetic. well im gonna go get dressed. later all
-em

valentines day is approaching...

02.12.04 (2:36 pm) [edit]

valentines day is soon upon us. im always depressed this time of year. mainly because i have no one. the dance was today. kyle was there. he didnt give me a secong glance. if you're wondering im still hung up on kyle even though he doesnt like me that way. sadness anyways i have my friends and we can hang together. yeppers thats it. hhhmmm..the dance was today. it sucked, i did dance with sammy though. she and i were having fun dancing. rachel and i got mountian dew that tasted like water. it was disgusting. but i got some ice. i like ice. im going to paul's bar mitzvah on saturday. it should be very fun. hehe. were having a party in history tomorrow lots of sweets and thats sucks because im on a diet. so im lucky glendy is bringing a fruit plate and steph is bringing peanut butter and the acutrements. hehehe. this weekend bianca is going to a church retreat so i wont talk to or see her.:( very sad. she's gonna tell me bout it monday. arent ya b. yes you are. i love bianca. i met the new girl hayley. shes from hawaii. i like her shes really nice. hum well then i have homework to do. lots of homework. so i'll do that.
-em

sickness

02.10.04 (10:39 am) [edit]

i am home sick today. so too bad lol. i dont like being sick but i dun like going to school. so this is ok. im talkin to caroline and martin online they are both sick too. its like an epidemic. paul is sick too. everyone is sick. sick is yucky. i dont like being sick. i have a headache. i hate those too. i realized i say lol a whole lot. i should expand and say lmao or lmfao. hehe well anyways i have to go to school tomorrow cuz i dun wanna miss too much and i have 1/2 ER and i like those classes. so yea...im gonna go take my medicine.
later
-em

hhmmm

02.09.04 (4:31 pm) [edit]

well then i wanted to write in my bloggy today and didnt really have mucho to say so here is all i got so far:
i threw out my shoulder swimming yesterday. it hurts a LOT! ouchies! jerry got in a car accident this weekend! shes ok though, only a few bruises. she came to school today but went home after 1st period. cause her muscles were so sore. poor jerry. since she wasnt here i had to read for her in rehearsal. it was a fun rehearsal too. hhmm i cant really think of muco else to say...o ok here. ryan scheadel likes me apperently lol. so his friends are trying to get me to date him. hes a nice guy and i like him a little but i like other guys too. so yea whatever.
-em

swimming indoors...

02.08.04 (6:38 pm) [edit]

i went swimming today. i went to an indoor rec center pool. i swam laps. my rountine was 200 free, 100 choice, 50 easy free. i did that 3 times and added an extra 50 easy free at the end of the third one. if you dont understand dont feel too bad it swim lingo lol. so after that i went to shower in one of the stalls, but every single one was cold. so a middle aged asian lady took it upon herself to tell everyone. so you heard, "NO HOT WATA! NO HOT WATA!" it was very odd...very odd indeed. so i just got dressed. i smell like chlorine. hehehe. i like the smell of chlorine. it smells like summer. i like summer. well after i left the pool i went to chilis for lunch. i had a grilled chicken ceaser. it was yummy. but the highlight of my day was the asain lady screaming"NO HOT WATA!" that was just classic. the lady was shorter than me too. and im 5"1. yikes. can you imagine? well anyways im gonna go sleep or something.

things like my day and dreams

02.04.04 (2:32 pm) [edit]

i just finished working out. we did the flexed arm hang in gym class i got an 11.9. we have to get a 12 for an A my teacher gave me an A anyway cuz shes awesome. but i got more in the beggining of the year. but i have to lift my weights more often(i use 8 lbs. weights). so i did that today.
my schedule is really busy lately. tomorrow i have rehearsal until 5. i love rehearsal its fun. and on friday i have a shrink appointment. i go because im depressed a lot and im not happy with my body/weight. And i just dont want to be sad anymore. shes very nice though.
at the moment im eating crushed pineapple. the canned kind. i like it but its been in its juice for a long time and isnt as good as the fresh kind. but still yummy. im waiting until 5:30 because Knock First is on and i like that show. its cool. i want to be on that show.
anyways...oh we ran the pacer today in gym. i got 40. thats 5 better than last week! go me!
anna can make her stomach go lopsided. shes like that she comes up with the most random things ever. i love her. lol she still hasnt replied to jake. hhhmmmm...
oh 6 mins till Knock First. i'll be brief...no i wont. i like rambling. its enjoyable. oooo in english we wrote about our odd dreams. i'll tell you about mine.

Rachel,Anna,Michael and I went to this theatre. Rachel, Anna and I parachuted down from the balcony. it was fun. then Michael and I parachuted too but we landed in a bathroom. the funny thing was it had no toilets or sinks. it was odd. we were trapped. (i left the rest out because i didnt want to share it in class!) Kyle came and rescued us. Michael went to parachute with Rachel and Anna. Kyle and I were talking. Then we kissed. I liked that bit of my dream. He was the manager or something and he wasnt supposed to have me there, but he did. so i was hiding from his boss. every few minutes he'd come and kiss me. that was great. then i woke up. i liked that dream. it sucks that kyle doesnt like me.

things

02.04.04 (2:17 pm) [edit]

news

02.03.04 (3:34 pm) [edit]

well lots has happened since my last entry.
1. kyle doesnt like me that way...i've moved on. i was sad at first(who woudnt be?) but im ok now. i actually kinda like someone else.
2. we had rehearsal yesterday. it was so funny. varlos was posing like a swimsuit model (scary thought) and i was shaking my hips too much for my character. maybe it was my pants lol. but im getting better with memorizing!
3. we didnt have school today. it was stupid though. we didnt have ice or anything. im not complaining. i like days off. there fun, but today was very boring.

thats bout it i guess... o wait. jake asked out anna! she said maybe. i hope they get together.

-em

...

01.29.04 (3:28 pm) [edit]

hi everyone...thats probably about like 2 people. how sad. well i started my 2nd semester art class today. im sure you all wanted to know that. yea all 2 of you. after school we had rehearsal. it was pretty good. i got home checked me e-mail. B was the only one who e-mailed me. and kyle..."alfie" hasnt e-mailed me in 3 days! rat bastard...i have a crush on him though. stevey is having girl trouble. his gf likes him but another guy too.
-em

more shtuff

01.27.04 (1:13 pm) [edit]

I have finally got my blueberry bagel and....subway! yums. im not hungry though. next time im hungry ill have my bagel or my sandwich! waaaahooooo! im not fat if thats what you're thinking. i just needed a bagel. you know how that is...maybe ya dont. anyway i still havent heard from that guy...lets call him "alfie" for now. "alfie" hasnt e-mail me and im getting irked. i like mail ecspecially from him. im gonna go add people to my shout-outs.
-em

shtuff

01.27.04 (9:18 am) [edit]

i e-mailed this guy and he knows i like him but hes stupi bout dating one grade down. he sent me this e-mail:

i gotta tell u somethin but i dunno how to say it i'll start with i know you like me but............

i know whats coming next. i've been around the block a couple times. but i dont feel the same, i dont date down ect. i've dated up before. and i would be willing to date down it all depends on the guy doesn't it? yes it does. e-mail travels soooooo slow dammit. go FASTER! darn you computer! :( anyways....i want a blueberry bagel very much. i have wanted one for the past few days. sadly i dont have any.
im talkin to stevey and ruuuuuben online. im married to steve. ruuuuben is bianca's ex. lots of drama between those 2. yes lots. now Bianca loves joey. its like a freakin soap opera.

-em

blueberry bagel

01.26.04 (3:38 pm) [edit]

it snowwed today. lots os snow. lots of white snow. i like snow. i dont like the cold though. i like warmness much more. i like the summer better than winter. i love lounging by the pool all day. *dreams of summer* hehehe Rachel spent the night yesterday. we calle kyle. she sais,"this is emily. do you think im cute?" he said yes i guess. on a scale on 1-10 according to him im a 7.5 i peresonally think im a 12. jpjp. anyways i was doodling earlier. i cant draw at all. its quite sad. i have to take art next semester(wednesday). each quarter we need 50 drawings in our sketch book. im not a big fan of art but its better than home ec. ill just draw stick figures. michael had it last semester so ill ask him about it. i have rehearsal on thursday...i think. i love rehearsal. its a lot of fun. opening night is awesome. everyone is exited and nervous. i just love it. im the first to go onstage for this show. yikes! im gonna go check my e-mail. i doubt there will be any. i was right. no mail. i feel so unloved. *sigh* anyways...the simpsons is on but i've seen it before. i feel like cooking. i feel like eating a bagel. blueberry bagel. i like blueberry bagels. yums...
later
-em