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| why me? |
| 03.09.04 (10:43 am) [edit] |
1:26 pm
why me? why the hell me? why do i have to have a fucking anxeity disorder. yea i take mead for it but that doesnt mean i dont get depressed. i was suicidal earlier but i dont want to kill myself and i wont. it just feels so horrible to have no one.
I had an orthodontist appointment at 11 today. i was supposed to go to school in the morning but i had a "breakdown" and started crying and feeling really depressed. the worst part is i dont know why. well mum let me sleep after i got over the worst of the tears. but she was pissed. my Pappie came at 11 to take me to the orthodudes(b's word). the appointment took an hour. and my mouth hurts like hell. i wanted to go back to school cuz i have chorus and we have a concert on thursday but dad said absolutly no cuz i didnt go this morning. well this morning i wanted to die. and that set me off into a fit of tears that lasted about an hour. my eyes are red and swollen. they hurt. what kind of parent says you cant go to school?! an ass thats who! i called my mom but she wasnt in and my dad hung up on me. he hung up on his serverly depressed daughter. and all my friends are at school so i have no one to talk to. thats the worst feeling ever. the feeling of being totally alone. i just sat by the phone in my parents room swaying/rocking on the floor crying for 30 minutes. i really need to talk to bianca or caroline or rachel or somebody. i've lost my appitite completely. the last thing i ate was a slim fast bar at 10 am. i feel like if i eat anything i'll barf it up. and im not even sick. i feel guilty about not going to school this morning but i felt so depressed almost suicidal. i need somebody to talk to. i need a hug. i HATE my depression. im on Zoloft and it works really well but sometimes i break down. and i havent broken down in a long time too. i dont like myself very much right now. i wish i were more outgoing and confident. i wish i were happier. we had SOL practice today. i can make that up sometime this week. im just sitting in the computer chair holding mr.squishy(my pillow) and crying. i hate this. things do get better. things always get better. i want ben and jerry's. but if i have any i will feel guilty and want to throw it up(i've never done it but come close) and come close but not. i want to see my shrink. i probably wont be writing in here for a while cuz i'll be punished. so later guys.
-em
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| ho hum |
| 03.07.04 (10:03 am) [edit] |
1:00
ho hum diddly dum. i have a workout schedule now! whoo-hoo! it helps me lose my tummy and keep me on a schedule. lol so monday through friday i have a routene(yea i cant spell that word) and sturday i go to kickboxing and sunday i swim! so there ya go. i'm going swimming later today.
I had an all day rehearsal yesterday. we got through the show once. and much to my surprise my ex andy who MOVED showed up! that was awkward times 10000000! I go out to say my line and there he is. i almost forgot my lines. that was a fun day.
Rachel spent the night yesterday. we watched Pieces of April and our broadway desserts tape. im so bored. i cant wait till i get to swimmy. i love the pool. in the summer cuz hot guys walk around shirtless and any other time cuz it reminds me of summer. i love the smell of chlorine cuz...it reminds me of summer. i'm a summer person if you havent guessed.
-em
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| new developments |
| 03.03.04 (12:35 pm) [edit] |
3:30 pm
rachel and i have smoothed things over. we arent quite friends but we arent at each others throats. i really hate fighting. its no fun. stevey is having conflicts with his gf. i really hope it all works out for him. i laugh loud apperently. but its not annoying.
-em
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| coflict pt. 2 |
| 03.02.04 (3:04 pm) [edit] |
i was thinking. not everyone can be totally perfect. no matter how hard they try. sometimes you have to have a conflict in your life to strengthen a friendship or in my case destroy one. rachel has been getting on my nerves because she excudes the sense of "im better than you" and other people agree with me on that. some people can look past it but not me. it brings me down. i feel bad enough about my little bit of pudge on my tummy and my other imperfections(some of which i like and some i hate) i dont need her floating around like she is superior to all. she's no aphrodite after all. she is totally oblivious to all of this as well. she wrote me a note today saying" if you ditch me next year then you'll be the one losing a friend not me" now that says 1. she is cocky/full of herself 2. she doesnt care if she loses my friendship. she also dumped this 1 guy and thought i was giving her crap about it. she said "you dumped someone because you lost the spark too!" that is not why i dumped him. it was really hard for me to dump randy/andy. i dumped him because i heard he was cheating on me and he was moving and we couldnt make it work. i would have stayed with him otherwise. if it werent for those things. and i havent told anyone that stuff. she didnt even care to ask why we broke up. she'll assumes things that arent true. rachel needs to ask. shes one of my roomates for VA beach choral trip. i want to ask the teacher to switch her room but it might be too late. i'll ask mum to email her. i really dont want to be around her. i feel depressed enough as it is. i dont need her acting all highh and mighty.
contact me by:
commenting
email- BroadwayBabe378@netscape.net
IM- BroadwayBabe378
if you have any advice on being depressed or the rachel thing or anything in the blog. i'd like to hear your views on the situation too.
-em
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